


you know i'm such a fool for you

by intertwiningwords



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 13:03:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16873410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningwords/pseuds/intertwiningwords
Summary: allen ginsberg was an idiot. a humongous fucking idiot.





	you know i'm such a fool for you

**Author's Note:**

> t.w. for brief mention of murder & use of mild homophobic slurs

Allen Ginsberg was an idiot. A humongous fucking idiot.

He promised himself that he  _ wasn’t _ going to fall for Lucien Carr. He’d promised himself multiple times, for the sake of his own health and happiness, that he wouldn’t allow his feelings for Lucien to go above and beyond platonic affection and perhaps admiration.

And boy, did he fuck that up. Could he really be blamed though? Who would truly be able to resist falling for the boy who could make you feel special by simply giving you a second glance?

As special as Allen felt, he also felt worthless. Lucien liked to play games, or so everyone had told him. Was he just another game? Or did Lucien actually care? As much as he wanted to believe he did, it was just a hopeful longing.

They were on their way back to Columbia, the cold New York air making their breath appear in clouds in front of their faces. Lucien made the stupid decision of forgetting a coat, and though Jack had practically begged him to borrow one, Lucien’s stubbornness and probably his pride got in the way. But as he watched the blond shiver, Allen shrugged off his own coat and wrapped it around Lu’s shoulders before he could even protest.

Lucien looked up at him with parted lips, furrowed brows. “Thanks, Ginsy,” he said, his voice soft, wrapping the coat around himself tighter.

They reached the school shortly after, stumbling a little from the alcohol they’d consumed, but Allen felt almost sober already. Bummer.

“What’s on your mind?” Lucien asked, shutting the door to his dorm room, trapping Allen within the confines of white plaster walls and uncomfortable conversation.

“It’s nothing.”

“C’mon, I know you better than that. I can see the cogs working beneath those curls.” He added to his point by reaching out to ruffle Allen’s hair playfully, only to be pushed away. “Seriously, what’s up with you?” He wasn’t used to his touch being rejected when it was usually craved.

Allen looked down at his feet, wanting nothing more than to shrink into the floor. He remembered every warning he’d received, all the voices chanting and screaming: “ _ do not fall in love with Lucien Carr! _ ”, and he fucking blew it, clearly. But how could he not? It seemed that everyone, no matter gay, straight, male, female, older, younger...Everyone fell in love with Lucien.

Random girls at random parties begged for his attention. Heads literally turned when he entered a room. Allen recalled something Jack had told him once: “I asked Lucien why everyone was staring at him, and he just shrugged and said ‘they’ve always done that’.”

“Allen?” Lucien asked, his tone soft and so unlike his usual dramatic, drawling way of speech. It was softer now, almost caring. Fuck, how dare he make Allen feel wanted, cared for, loved. How dare he give Allen that sense of false hope.

“You’d hate me if I told you,” he mumbled.

Lucien chuckled, shaking his head. “I could never hate you, silly.”

Allen wanted to scream. David’s words echoed in his ear;  _ “once you think you know him, he’ll find someone new.”  _ He didn’t want to be replaced. He was so fucking afraid of being replaced, or rejected, or forgotten. He knew it was selfish to want to keep the astounding beauty that was Lucien Carr all to himself, but how could he resist such a beautiful dream, though far-fetched?

Lucien was eyeing him curiously, clearly not keen on dropping the subject. “Spit it out already,” he said, leaning back against the bed, propped up on his elbows.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Now, what have I always told you, Ginsy? First thought, best thought.”

And Allen, as he always did, listened to Lucien. His first thought was to grab the other man by the collar of his shirt and yank him up into a kiss, so that was exactly what he did. Best thought. Best thought. Best thought.

To his surprise, Lucien didn’t pull away. Didn’t pause, didn’t stare, didn’t hesitate. He just kissed back, tangling his skinny white fingers in Allen’s hair like holding onto a lifeline.

And,  _ oh god _ , Allen had wanted this for  _ so _ long. Nights spent dreaming of those pink lips, pale skin, blue eyes that seemed to swallow Allen up like the very ocean. Hoping, dreaming, wanting, waiting.

Lucien pulled away suddenly, his face stunned and his cheeks flushed.

“I’m sorry,” Allen said immediately.

Lucien was silent, and Allen could feel tears beginning to well up in his eyes. Fuck, he’d fucked it all up now. Lucien could never care about him now, would never want him as the face of his literary revolution knowing he was a fucking fairy, a  _ flamer _ -

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Lucien finally said. “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about doing that.”

His thoughts screeched to a halt. “I- what?”

“You’re damn enticing, Ginsy, don’t you know? You don’t understand what you do to me,” Lucien let out a humorless laugh, leaning forward and putting his face in his hands with a sigh. “I’d be lost without you, Ginsy.”

“You? Lost?” Allen asked. “I don’t think you could be lost in this world if you tried, Lu.”

“And I’ve tried,” Lucien replied. “I’ve tried to be lost in different states, different schools, and yet, somehow, I’m always found. Sometimes by bad people. And sometimes, by people like you, Allen.”

“People like me?”

“People who are so soft and soulful and goddamn innocent that it makes me want to know you. Do you think it’s an accident we met? I’d seen you, heard you speak in class. While everyone else saw the geeky Jewish boy, I saw something else in you.”

“You saw the face of your revolution,” Allen replied, harsher than he’d meant.

“I saw a geeky Jewish boy with a talent he didn’t think he had, with a brilliant mind. Plus, I saw a guy with a giant V-card on his forehead and I wanted to corrupt him,” Lucien added with a smirk.

Allen laughed and swatted playfully at Lucien’s shoulder. Then, he sobered. “You’ll get tired of me.”

“I could never get tired of you,” Lucien replied immediately. “How could I? Every day, you’re something new to explore.”

Allen swallowed. Then, he nodded, before leaning in to capture Lucien’s lips once again.

And at that moment, he really believed that Lucien could care for him. That he did care for him. And maybe, he could love him. Maybe he did love him.

And then, Lucien left him alone. Blue eyes as deep as the ocean dimming in a jail cell. He killed David because he was a fairy, a flamer. And that was why his sentence was reduced. When Lucien got out of jail, they spoke. They never acknowledged what happened back in Lucien’s dorm that night.

When Allen dedicated a book to him, he requested his name be removed. Said some shit about not letting people into your personal life.

Yeah, Allen Ginsberg was kind of an idiot. He let himself fall for Lucien Carr, even when every sign told him to run the other way. And the worst part was? He didn’t even regret it.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! feedback is always appreciated!!


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